Sunday, July 27, 2008

A dark week

This week began last sunday with a great day at church. The morning service was good. It was especially good to see my brother Josh step in at the last moment and lead worship. He did a great job and I was proud of him. After church I went with a group called the vine to give out sandwiches and drinks to some people at the city mission. It was really good to be able to put my faith in action. Then the sunday night service was amazing. Our pastor has been starting a new series based on Mark Bells Nooma videos. They are very educational help start group discussion. The sunday was great over all. And thats when the evil attacked. Sunday night, I laid down to go to sleep and found my mind racing. I couldn't stop thinking about everything. I am usually a very calm person but some reason my mind began attacking itself. I couldn't stop thinking about a movie I had watched. There was nothing in the movie that made me upset but my mind just wouldn't shut off. Thats when all hell broke lose. For some unknown reason my mind began panicking. I began to worry that I would never be able to sleep. My heart beat increased and before I knew it I thought I was going to die. I couldn't breath, I couldn't see straight, and I couldn't shake the feeling of imminent death. Every time I would close my eyes, visions of people dieing would come into my mind. I finally went for help and my parents helped calm me down. With the help of a tylonel pm I was able to go to sleep. But then the morning didn't bring help. I woke up feeling on edge. I found that the only respite from anxiety was by staying in bed asleep. Tuesday night, I had another panick attack. On Wednesday I went to the doctor, and he gave me some medication to help with anxiety. It is now sunday, and I am still struggling. Everytime that I start to feel ok, I start to wonder if I am indeed ok, and that restarts the cycle of anxiety. But the good news is this, I have not been alone through this week. My parents have been more than supporting as I have gone through this week. They have been there as I have broke down crying for no reason. They have been there when I just knew I was going crazy. My brothers have both been supportive as well. One thing this week, Satan has been using this time to attack me about my past. I have done a lot of stupid things in my past that I regret more than anything, and Satan has been playing them in my head. But there is good news, God has forgiven me. The bible says, that Whoever Jesus sets free is free indeed. I am free and I am forgiven. So as I am waiting on the medication to kick in and help lift a bit of the anxiety, I am still going to praise God. God is still good and great. No matter how dark I feel, I want to praise Him.
Also as a side note, my pastor (whose blog can be found on my links to the right) has been very helpful to. I was able to talk to him today and he reminded me of God's grace and His love. It is also good to be reminded of that.

Anyways, the reason I wanted to kind of air all this out there, is I hope that if there is someone else out there who is going through anxiety or panic attacks that they will know that there are other people like them. I also want you to know the truth of the gospel. No matter what you have done, God is most powerful and merciful to forgive you and give you a new start. If you have any other questions feel free to leave comments or email me at
BTW please pray for me as I am still struggling really bad with all this anxiety and panicking.

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